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Well certainly children sometimes behave in ways that we don’t like.  The make messes, they break things, they hit their sibling, they won’t share, they have tantrums in the supermarket, they pester us when we are busy and they are loud when we want peace and quiet!

Parents usually say children are “misbehaving” when they are behaving in some way that the parent doesn’t like. 

Strangely enough we don’t use this term when we are talking about other people in our life.  It would be weird to say “my partner is misbehaving"!  Misbehaviour is parent language, tied up somehow with the way we are viewing our kids.  It also implies that children are choosing to behave that way despite knowing that we don’t like that behaviour.

Children don’t deliberately set out with the intention to make our lives miserable! 

They are merely behaving in ways to get their own needs met.  A toddler has a huge need for autonomy and exploration, this is why they are so fiercely independent and un-cooperative sometimes. 

Or their behaviour is driven by some big feelings that the child doesn’t yet know how to manage.  For example, a child who has recently acquired a new sibling has some very big feelings and fears about how much he is loved, plus he doesn’t yet have to ability to regulate his strong emotions, this is why he may hit or treat his sibling roughly. 

Sometimes the behaviour is simply the result of being a small immature human being who lacks information about the world!

What is needed is a shift in the way we view our children. 

We need to look beyond their behaviour to the child underneath.  We need to put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand what is going on for them.  This change of perspective makes it easier to understand and fix the underlying issues causing the behaviour.   It helps us figure out what is really going on.  When we understand the child’s need for exploration, for example, we can find other ways to meet this need that don’t involve painting all over the walls!

This change of perspective also makes us more patient with children’s needs.  When we see the world as they see it, we’re more likely to respond with kindness and respect.  This helps them feel good about themselves and feel safe and connected to us and valued by us.  
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There are many ways we can let kids know about our own needs without labelling what they are doing as “misbehaviour”.  When we see the problem as simply a conflict of needs, we can work WITH children to find ways to meet both their needs and ours.

Would you give your partner or friend a consequence if they behaved in a way you didn't like?  No!  You would simply tell them what they did, how it affected you and how you felt about it.  Our relationships with our kids are no different.  Kids don't learn to behave better by having a consequence applied. 

Consequences are punishment and you don’t need punishment to raise considerate, moral kids, in fact it gets in the way of kids developing morals and empathy.

Instead of learning to modify their behaviour out of consideration for others around them, consequences cause kids to become preoccupied with their own needs and they learn only to behave in ways that won’t cause them to be deprived of something they want.

Yes, you need to have limits, and yes, there needs to be follow up when kids have done wrong.  But respectful parenting always assumes the best of kids.  It assumes kids are always doing the best they can in any given moment.

If they could behave better they would. 

What causes difficult behaviour is usually a backlog of tangled up feelings, and/or feeling disconnected from you.  And consequences don’t help with the underlying cause of the behaviour.  In fact, they only make children feel worse, which won’t help the child behave any better.

Kids behave better when they feel better.

Kids generally know what you expect from them and if they need reminding you can use an I-Message, or just give them information.  “I don’t like muddy shoes in the house”, “that volume is too loud for me” or “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that”. 

What makes kids want to comply with your wishes is the warm loving connection with you. 

If you set limits with empathy, your child will feel more understood and connected to you, which helps them comply with the limit.  For example, “I know you would love to keep on watching TV honey, you really love that show huh… but it’s time to turn it off now.”  “I know it’s hard, would you like my help?”

If setting a limit results in upset feelings, this is OK!  Kids have a right to express their disappointment.  Don’t think of this as your child misbehaving, think of it as an opportunity to help your child empty out their backlog of emotional stress.  (See previous post on Meltdowns.)  Of course throwing things or breaking things while upset is not ok.  See if you can gently limit the behaviour while accepting the feelings.  “Wow, I can see how upset you are!  But I won’t let you break that ….. If you want to throw something we can go outside and throw sticks or smash egg cartons.”
 
Following up so kids don’t “get away with” bad behaviour:
 
Many parents apply consequences because they don’t want the child to “get away” with bad behaviour.  A better option is to follow up by talking with your child about what happened and listening to them to find out the underlying causes of their behaviour.

The heat of the moment is not usually the time for this.  Your words are most likely to come out as a lecture about right and wrong!  And your child will usually be so emotionally heightened that they aren’t even in the part of their brain where they can take in your words of wisdom!  The stress hormones caused by upset feelings take at least 35 minutes to leave the brain.  So plan to follow up later when everyone has calmed down.

You can build a repair routine by having “couch time” together to talk about what happened.   I also find that the bed-time snuggle is a good time to review your day and talk about what happened.  Feeling really close and connected by physically cuddling creates the safety to talk openly.

For example, “You know honey that was really hard when….. and I didn’t like the way you talked to me (gently restating your expectation), you don’t usually talk to me like that  (assuming the best of your child), what was going on for you?”  Your openness and curiosity create the safety for the child to explore what was going on for them. 

It can be helpful to give your child the opportunity to make amends for their behaviour.  Ask them what they think they can to do to make things right.  Perhaps they can help sand the damaged kitchen table or fix the broken toy!  This helps them learn that they can always make amends for their behaviour, which is much more empowering than consequences. 

You can also brainstorm together ways to deal with the situation next time it comes up.  Eg. “Getting off the computer is hard isn’t it, what shall we do next time?  Set a timer?  Go outside and kick a ball together?”  Making a plan together can help prevent problems and help your child learn ways to handle the situation in the future.

The connection between you and your child is vital.

Your child’s connection with you is what motivates them to comply with your wishes.  If you’re getting a lot of difficult behaviour you might need to spend some time nurturing your connection with your child. (See previous post on Connection.) 

Ultimately, if kids could behave better they would.  Kids don’t usually misbehave because they don’t know or care about your expectations.  Something else is getting in the way.  Difficult behaviour a signal that either, they are full of feelings that they need your help with, or they are feeling disconnected from you.

Your empathy fixes both. 

Kids who feel connected to us feel settled and secure in themselves. 

Kids are evolutionarily programmed to want our presence and attention.  Baby mammals need their parent’s care and attention to survive, and so our children are wired to want us to be deeply engaged with them.  Unfortunately our busy modern lifestyles mean that kids are getting less connection with us than ever before.

If kids feel disconnected from you they can resort to acting up to get this connection back.  Difficult behaviour is a sure sign that your child is in need of more connection.

When we give children our presence and attention they get the message that they are worthy of love, they feel good about themselves and this builds their self-esteem.  A strong bond with us is also protective against the influence of peers and social media.  And as a bonus, kids who feel connected to us are much more likely to be co-operative, which makes parenting a whole lot easier!

Nurturing your positive connection with your kids doesn’t have to take long and can be easily integrated into everything you do together.  

Here are some great ways parents can help kids feel connected:

1.      Take the time to reconnect
When you’ve been apart for the day, your kids desperately need to reconnect with you.  This is often the exact time of day that you need to rush home and get things done like cook dinner.  Your evening will go a whole lot better if you can take just 10 minutes to be with your child and hear about their day.  Don’t touch your phone and give your child your full attention.  Or even better, do something fun and physical together to reconnect. (See below.) 
 
2.      Respond to your child’s “bids” for your attention. 
All day long our children send out “bids” for our attention, for example, a question or “Mum, look at this!” If you can “turn towards” these bids for attention by responding to your child, you are building up credit in their emotional bank account which can carry you through times when you can’t be so attentive.
Sometimes these “bids” for attention are annoying!  When you child “pokes” you or does something to get your attention, see if you can respond with connection instead of getting mad.  You could turn it into play by responding with mock fury.  “Rarrr, you didn’t just poke me did you?  I’m going to get you!” and chase them round the lounge. 
 
3.      Laughter & play
Laughter and having fun together is incredibly connecting.  Laughter releases feel-good hormones which help us feel warm and connected.  This can be as simple as playing silly word games, speaking in a funny voice or pulling silly faces!  Kids are experts at being silly, it’s us adults that have to re-learn this skill!  Play games with your child that get them giggling.  We can follow our child’s lead here, if they giggle, do it again, and again!  I love playing “don’t you smile!” it always leads to lots of smiling and laughing. 
 
4.      Roughhousing
Rowdy, physical, interactive play gives kids physical release, connection with you, laughter and fun. Remember your child’s “emotional backpack”?  (See previous post on Meltdowns.)  Laughter and physical play release the same backlog of emotional stress that crying does, leaving your child feeling happy and connected to you.  When done regularly, roughhousing can even prevent Meltdowns!  Even if wrestling is not your forté, you can find ways to have physical fun together.  You can arm wrestle, have a pillow fight, wrap your child in a bear hug, jostle each other for positions on the couch, or pretend your child is a “lumpy cushion”!  Just make sure that everyone’s having fun and stop if either of you get out of control!  One of my favourites, is “the sock game” where you have to try to pull each other’s socks off!  

Sometimes roughhousing can end in tears or a meltdown.  This is ok.  It just means that the closeness and connection with your child has allowed the child to show their deeper feelings.  All you need to do is stay close, listen and allow the release of feelings.  

5.      Listening to feelings
Children feel better and more connected to us when we listen to their feelings.  This means just listening without interrupting, or giving advice, or trying to fix things.  We don’t actually have to DO anything.  What kids need most is simply to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged and accepted.  Your empathy helps your child process all her feelings from the day and feel understood, accepted and loved.  You can even acknowledge your child’s feelings while you are setting a limit on behaviour that you don’t like. 
 
6.      Special time. 
Set aside at least 10 minutes a day to just be with your child.  You can tell them this is their special time and you can do anything they want you to do together.  Put your mobile phone away and give them your full, undivided, loving attention.  We so often give our children half our attention while we are doing something else.  Special time shows our child in a very tangible way that they are deeply important to us.  Avoid teaching, setting limits or talking about problems during this time, just be together.  If your child doesn’t know what to do with this time you can suggest some roughhousing to start.  Also, no screens or reading, the aim is to be deeply engaged with your child, not just doing things side-by-side.
 
7.      Create connection rituals. 
Kids love rituals, something that you do regularly together that reminds them of your love and connection.  You might have a special way you say goodbye or great each other at the end of the day.  Having afternoon tea together after school, reading bedtime stories, or snuggling on the couch watching a movie together on Friday nights are all regular connection rituals.  They give your child something to look forward to, knowing they will get some connection with you.  Even the words you say to each other can become rituals, like “goodnight, sleep tight” or “I love you to the moon and back”.
 
8.      Morning (or evening) cuddle.
Start the day feeling connected.  A 5 minute cuddle in bed in the morning can make a huge difference to the day going more smoothly.  Or in the evening, you can use this time to talk together about the day.  Often this is a time where your child’s feelings may bubble to the surface and you can practice just listening.  Or you can just snuggle, kiss and stroke your child as you tell them how much you love them.
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Keeping our kids close to us, by prioritising our connection with them, is what will keep them safe as they grow in this world.  When we focus on deeply connecting with our kids, they thrive and parenting becomes a joy and a pleasure.  

It can be the hardest thing for parents, when your child is having a full-blown meltdown!  The screaming, crying, raging, arms and legs flailing, even throwing and hitting!  And it’s even worse when you are out in public and you feel like you are getting disapproving stares!

But I’ve learned to really welcome these moments as an opportunity to support my child to process and release all sorts of bottled up feelings. 

All children have an emotional backpack; all day long things happen to them that they don’t have the chance, or the support, to process, and they stuff all these mixed up feelings into their (imaginary) backpack.  When they get home to the safety of your warm empathic presence, (and they are tired and hungry!) all these feelings can come pouring out!  Anything can be a trigger, and it can seem crazy that your child is melting down over something which seems insignificant to you.

Parents can be tempted to say to their child “it’s not acceptable to behave like that!” Or “Go to your room until you can behave better!”  But the truth is, if your child could behave better they would!  It’s their tangled, scary feelings that are causing what looks like “bad behaviour” to you. 

Your child needs your help with these feelings. 

Your warmth, your empathy, your caring presence, gives the child the safety they need to feel, express and let go of these feelings.  You will find, if you can stay with them all the way to the end, that these feelings will pass and you will be amazed at the sunny, co-operative, happy child that comes out the other side of the storm! 

All you have to do is listen (without trying to fix), empathise and be present and available.  “Wow, that was really frustrating huh” “I can see how mad you are!” “Oh honey I’m so sorry that happened”.  Even just your warm presence while they cry, can be enough.

Often, the thing they are initially upset about is not the core issue, and by staying with the process long enough, your child will spiral down through the layers of feelings and often get to the heart of what’s really bothering them.  The beauty of this process is that they could be processing feelings from last week, or last year, or even when they were a baby.  We don’t even have to know what it’s about.  By simply staying with them, we are giving our child an opportunity to heal from past hurts. 

Our child’s anger is often hard for us to be with. 

Anger is usually a defence against feeling the more vulnerable feelings underneath.  If you can stay present and accepting of your child while they rage, then they will get through their anger to the tears underneath.  This is hard to do because your child’s anger triggers your anger!  Especially if your anger wasn’t accepted when you were a child.  If you were ignored, disapproved of, or told to go to your room, then your anger was not accepted.  And it is hard to give to your child something that you never got. 

But it gets easier with practice, and you can accept and acknowledge your own anger for yourself.  All this takes is a moment of recognition, acknowledging to yourself “I am angry!", a really deep breath and some self-compassion and acceptance.  It’s easier if you can see through your child’s anger to the hurt child underneath.  If you can re-frame your thoughts, “my child’s in pain”  “he’s having a hard time” or “she needs my help with her feelings”, you can be more empathic.

Being with meltdowns takes time and energy, but it saves time in the end! 

If kids don’t get a chance to express their feelings and be received by you, then they can continue to be whiny and prone to meltdowns all evening, or all week!  If you can give your child regular opportunities to release and process their feelings with your support, then you will find meltdowns happen less often, and your child will generally be happier and more co-operative. 
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When viewed this way, meltdowns are a wonderful opportunity to help your child process and release stored up pain.  It’s like a big clearing out, and you will both feel happier and more connected as a result. 

Most parents believe that praising our children builds their confidence and makes them feel secure and loved.  Children DO need our encouragement and support, but praise that LABELS the child (e.g. “good” “best” “perfect”) is not helpful and can undermine confidence and self-esteem.

When we say “good girl!”, “you’re such a great artist!” or “you were so well behaved today” we are, in effect, judging or evaluating the child and their performance.  This actually leads to the child feeling MORE anxious and insecure.  What they hear, is that we love them BECAUSE they have been so good today.  What if they are not so good tomorrow, will we still love them then? 

Our well intentioned praise can leave the child with uneasy feelings, he knows inside himself that he is not always good, or clever, or brave.  He must reject this praise and sometimes prove his parents wrong by behaving worse!  He also surmises that Mum or Dad doesn’t really know or understand him!

This type of praise leads to the child always looking outside themselves for validation and approval.  It leads to dependency on others in order to feel good about themselves.  The child’s self-worth becomes CONDTIONAL, they feel good about themselves only when they do well or achieve good results, but what happens when they behave in ways we don’t like, or don’t achieve so well at school?  They can be devastated.

We want our kids to be internally motivated, to do something for the joy of it, or for the satisfaction of achieving something they chose to do.  Kids who receive a lot of praise end up doing things to gain approval and recognition instead.  Research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something (and praise is a reward), the more they tend to lose interest in it.  This kind of praise can kill motivation and creativity. 

Fortunately there are ways we can offer our encouragement that DO build the child’s confidence and self-worth.

Instead of making statements that judge the child’s character or personality, we can just DESCRIBE what the child did and how we FEEL about it.  We can express our delight and admiration, we can recognise their efforts, and we can give them a realistic picture of what they did.  When a child cleans up their room we can comment on how hard they worked and how good the room looks.  “Your room is so clean now, it’s a pleasure to look at!”

When we do this, the child can draw a realistic conclusion about themselves.  The locus of evaluation is within them, rather than external.  When we say “thank you for helping me with the groceries, those bags were heavy” she draws her own conclusion that she is “helpful” or that her contribution is appreciated.

When we say “thank you for washing the car, it looks so clean, not a speck of dirt anywhere!” the child surmises “I did a good job, my work is appreciated”.

When we say “I love the colours in your painting!” they conclude for themselves that “I am creative” and “my art brings others joy”.  These are the sorts of responses that will encourage a child to keep going and continue expressing their creativity.

When we say “Thanks for doing the dishes without having to be reminded” the child concludes that “I am responsible and my contribution is appreciated”. 

These descriptive statements and the positive conclusions the child makes about themselves, are the building blocks of self-esteem and good mental health.  What they conclude about themselves, is how they will come to think of themselves for life. 

We are highlighting for the child the positive effects of their actions, and expressing our genuine appreciation, this gives them the optimistic self-belief in their competence.  They feel successful.  They grow taller. 

Healthy self-esteem is so vital for our children, but where does a rock solid sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from?  How do our children get a sense that they are valuable human beings?
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Well it turns out that we, as parents, have an enormous impact on our child’s self-esteem and emotional health.  When we consistently respond to our children as though their needs, feelings, thoughts and ideas are important we build their self-worth. 

When we unconditionally love our children we give them the sense that they have intrinsic worth and their value is not just based on good behaviour, good grades or some other quality. 

Here are some ways parents build self-esteem:

1. Promoting secure attachment. This means consistently responding in a nurturing way to your baby’s emotional needs. Touching, holding and picking up your baby when distressed, gives them a deep sense that they are safe and secure and valued.  When we respond to a crying baby, they learn a very BIG and EARLY lesson:  “I am important, my needs matter”.  These early learnings are deeply wired into the brain and can affect the child’s self-image for life. Click here for more on attachment. 
2. Listening to, and valuing a child’s thoughts and opinions.  When we listen and value a child’s ideas, without disagreeing, interrupting or trying to explain how they are wrong, they learn that their ideas have value, that they are interesting people and people want to hear what they have to say.  Simply being listened to is deeply affirming and validating.
3. Responding to feelings with empathy, as though the child has a right to feel that way and their feelings are valid and important.  This means just “being with” the child however they are feeling and not trying to talk them out of it, or “cheer them up”.  When we try to change how a child is feeling we give them the message that they shouldn’t be feeling that way, that somehow that feeling is bad, wrong or scary.  When we allow our child to just be as they are, they learn “I am ok as I am”, “this is just sadness (or fear or whatever) and I can cope with it.” They learn that feelings come and go and they can handle them. 
4. How we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.  “You silly duffer, you’re so forgetful!” seems harmless, but do you really want your child to believe this about themselves?  Put-downs, criticism, labels and judgement destroy self-esteem.  “You”- Messages are often labels or judgements. “You are being annoying”. When we need to tell a child the effects of their behaviour on us, an “I”- Message is often better.  “I don’t like it when you pull my sleeve” or “I don’t like crumbs all over the floor!”  This simply gives the child information about our feelings and needs without attacking character.  Positive “I”- Messages and appreciations build self-esteem.  “I love you!”  “Thanks so much for your help, that made things so much easier for me!”
5. Descriptive praise rather than evaluative praise.  Praise which evaluates the child does not build self-esteem.  When we say “you’re a great artist!” or “you were so well behaved today” or “good girl!” we are evaluating the child and their performance.  (Notice these are “You”- Messages.)  External evaluation is so much a part of our society that it seems normal.  But if a child always measures their worth by their grades or their performance, what happens to their sense of worth when they don’t get good grades or don’t perform so well?  When we just DESCRIBE what the child did and how we FEEL about it, they can then surmise for themselves that they have worth.  The locus of evaluation is within them, rather than external.  We can say “I love the colours in your painting!” or “I love hearing you play the guitar” or “I’m impressed with how you stuck at that” or even “You did it!”  We can celebrate their successes with a “Woohoo!” or “Yay!”
6. Helping them to successfully meet challenges in life.  There are many challenges in life, from climbing the monkey bars, to handling conflict with a friend, and each time a child successfully meets a challenge this adds to their self-esteem.   It can be hard to stand back and let them have a go and fall down and keep trying, but when we “take over” or tell them what to do, we take away from them an opportunity to feel successful and competent.  Leaving them alone to sort it out by themselves is not great either, we want them to have successes!  The best way to support is with a light touch.  “Perhaps if you put your foot there?” “Do you want to hear an idea from me?”  This helps them develop their own competence, and their own feeling of being capable and powerful.
7. Having an attitude of faith and confidence in them, and pointing out their strengths.  When we believe in our kids, they then think “if Mum or Dad thinks I am capable then I must be!” You can help them remember their strengths and times they have succeeded in the past, “I remember the time that you…..”  Let them try new things without correcting them or hovering over them.  Resist the urge to say “be careful” when they try something adventurous.
8. Avoid time outs, punishments or using consequences to manage behaviour. You don’t need to be punitive to guide a child’s behaviour.  Especially never punish by withdrawing your love and affection. 

​Finally DELIGHT in your child.  Not for anything they have done, but simply for the beautiful being they are.  Appreciate and adore your child exactly as they are.  What they see reflected in your eyes, is how they will come to view themselves. 

What is “attachment” and why is it important for our children’s self-esteem? 

When parents consistently respond in a nurturing way to their baby and child’s emotional needs the child develops a “secure” attachment to the parent.  (Don’t worry, consistently doesn’t mean always getting it right, it just means regularly enough!)

This safe, reliable connection gives the child an internal sense of security in the world.  This is the foundation for them developing a healthy sense of their self-worth or self-esteem.

When we tune in and respond to babies’ and children’s emotional needs we help the child to feel secure and loveable.

With babies, secure attachment is promoted by non-verbal communication that communicates love and acceptance.  Picking up a distressed baby, using a soothing voice, gentle touch and holding help the baby feel loved and accepted. 

These interactions between parent and baby teach them BIG and EARLY lessons about their worth. 

When we respond to a distressed baby by picking them up and comforting them, they learn:
·         “I am important
·         “My needs matter”
·         “I am cared about and loved”
·         “I am lovable”
·         “The world is a safe place”
Of course they’re not thinking these thoughts consciously!  But these early learnings are deeply wired into the brain and can affect the child’s self-image for life.  Through their early experiences with their parents, babies develop a sense of who they are and begin to form core beliefs about their worth.

Secure attachment also continues throughout life.

Secure attachment is important in the early years of life, because of the enormous growth of the brain in the first few years.  How parents respond to their babies literally shapes their brains and lays down patterns for their future relationships and lifelong mental and emotional health.

However, secure attachment also continues throughout the child’s whole childhood.  An emotionally attuned relationship is always important for a child’s healthy emotional development.  (And it’s important for us adults too!) 

We are always responding to children in a way that teaches them something about who they are. 
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Staying connected to your child when they are expressing upset feelings teaches your child that, “someone is here with me when I am in difficulty and pain” and “I am loved, even when I am sad or mad”.  Playing and having fun with your child teaches them that, “I am fun to be around” and “life is good, because my parent enjoys life when they are with me”.

There are plenty of ways we can continue to help our child feel secure and loved throughout their childhood.  I will be sharing more ways parents can build their child’s self-esteem in the next post!

How do I just get my child to do what I want them to do? – now!

It’s so frustrating!  You just want your child to pick up their stuff from the living room floor!  You just want them to hurry up and brush their teeth so you can leave for school on time!  And you want them to do it NOW without you having to repeat yourself for the 10th time! 

Well truthfully we can’t MAKE any other human being do what we want them to do! 

Not unless we’re willing to threaten some sort of consequence or punishment, and that just results in them dragging their feet and making your life miserable with their bad mood and arguments!  Getting into a power struggle doesn’t work and damages the relationship.  But the good news is:

There are LOTS of great ways to get our children to co-operate cheerfully. 

Here are some ideas:

1. CONNECT WITH THEM before you ask them to do something. 
   Stop what you are doing, take a big breath to calm yourself, go over to them and find out what they are doing.  See if you can attune to them and how much fun they are having right now.  “Wow you’re really engrossed in that book! What’s happening?”  They are probably absorbed in their world and not aware of your needs for a tidy living room or to leave on time. 
   
   
2. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS
   Ultimately it’s hearing about the other person’s feelings that really motivates us to change our behaviour and kids are no different.  Telling them how we feel in a non-judgmental, non-blaming way helps them to care about our feelings.  “Honey I feel frustrated when I see your stuff all over the floor when I have just tidied up!”
   
   
3. GIVE THEM INFORMATION OR JUST DESCRIBE
   Sometimes we parents talk too much!  Kids often know our expectations already.  A simple short description can sometimes be enough.  “We need to leave in 5 minutes.”  “The Lego goes in the box when you are finished playing.” 
   
   
4. GIVE THE CHILD A CHOICE
   No one likes being told what to do, children need to feel they have some autonomy and control over their lives.  Offer choices you are happy with.  “Do you want me to help you put your toys away or can you do it all by yourself?”  “We have to leave now, do you want to skip or run to the car!” 
   You can also give the child a choice about WHEN they do something rather than insisting on “right now”.  “Do you want to have your shower before dinner or after?”  I will often ask my son “when you get to a good place to stop can you please come and put the dishes away?”  This is simply respectful. 
   
   
5. PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER
   Invite your child into a joint problem solving process.  You can try this in the moment, but it’s also really great to bring up the problem at a different time.  “Honey, you know how when you get home from school you just want to drop your stuff on the floor and play, and I really like having a tidy living room, what do you think we can do to solve this problem?”  Brainstorming different ideas together can be fun and when kids have a say in the solution they are usually much more committed to carrying it out.
   
   
6. PLAY
   Everything is easier if it’s fun!  A playful attitude will go a long way towards getting your child to co-operate and avoid power struggles.  Laughter and fun build the connection between the two of you instead of eroding it.

 
CONNECTION IS THE KEY.  

Ultimately the level of co-operation you get from your kids is directly related to how connected to you they feel.  Kids WANT to co-operate when they feel connected to us.  Listen to them when they have a problem, empathise with their big emotions, spend time with them just loving them.   So much of our communication with our children is asking them to “do something”, remember to just appreciate your child or tell them how much you love them.  Take some time to play, laugh and just be together.